Plywood in Portland

Dear MacGuyver-esque,

I had given some thought about MacGuyver’s use of duct tape to solve his dilemmas. And I have thought that duct tape is sort of plastic and adhesive, neither one of which would taste especially great. Or too, I had thought that duct tape could be used to assist in holding your breath; but could result in forgetting to take the duct tape off and your head might explode and your eyeballs pop-out. Or I’d thought that you might be able to rig some kind of a device constructed of empty beer cans joined together with duct tape. But what might end-up happening if you try that is you would get your head stuck to it in some way that would result in your talking like that advice guy who is jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller. Perhaps MacGuyver is not the best role-model for this sort of activity.

Dear Afflicted with Zombies,

I’ve given some thought to the hi-octane/low-octane problem, and why does it have to be one or the other? Do shots and beers until the zombies start to look good!

Dear Milk Shake Mix Re-Cycling,

I think that just about everyone has their doubts about the fast-food places. If it isn’t a finger in the chile, it’s the damned burger-flippers hocking on the burgers. So, my advice would be to try a better restaurant, or maybe a Peugot franchise.

Dear Plywood in Portland,

I think you shouldn’t worry about producing hi-quality plywood. Just open a plant in Roseburg and run junk wood through the chipper, press it together with plenty of epoxy, and sell lots of it cheap. Then, build a park with a fountain in Portland and everyone will forget all about the crappy chipboard, and just remember the cool fountain.

Keep those cards and letters coming!
No problem too big or too small.
KP


Are you having a problem?  The King of Prussia can help.  Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!

12 thoughts on “Plywood in Portland

  1. This...
    wouldn’t be lame if we could, you know, actually SEE the letters he is responding to isn’t of this oh-so-clever ironic posting.

  2. Seriously.
    I thought this wasn’t going to be JUST like The Onion advice column. And it is! Only, not as funny. Not funny at all, actually. This sort of broken conversation non-sense is only funny in a big crowd context, you know, something we only dimly pay attention to. But it’s the main focus of the freakin’ column. What the hell?

    Put a little effort into this, will ya?

  3. Dear Zep,
    Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph… MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm…. Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God… MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant…) (gurgle!) MMMPH!

  4. my thoughts
    I like the disjointedness. Somehow, it fits. Zirealism doesn’t make as much sense as this sometimes.

  5. Zirilism
    Well, see? Maybe I’m not wired-up right, but so far there hasn’t been a Zirilism comic that I didn’t understand. But if the crowd wants funny, disjointed, and Venn diagrams, we aim to please. But I bet that there aren’t but a couple of yous who can guess who the last letter was from!?!?

  6. It's like hearing only one side of a phone conversation.
    Well here’s my part:

    Dear König Prüße GfbAEV,

    The dead have risen and are walking the earth. I’m holed up in this old farmhouse with a black dude, some dizzy chick, some middle-aged dude and his family, and some hillbilly couple who apparently just fell off the turnip truck. We’ve boarded up the windows and doors, but the undead already outnumber us several to one and I’m concerned about our chances for survival. They won’t give me one of the goddamned guns. I have a fireplace poker, though. So I guess what I’m asking is: In your opinion, does drinking a high proof alcoholic beverage over a long period of time provide a better drunkening than drinking a whole hell of a lot of low proof alcoholic beverages in a relatively short period of time?

    Sincerely,
    Afflicted with Zombies

  7. Afflicted
    Yep, that was a great set-up, and I could have gone on to make a full-length feature out of it. It combines elements of some of the best zombie movies ever, but I am at a loss as to what to do in that kind of a zombie situation because that’s the point where I usually go out to the lobby for more popcorn and milk duds.

  8. Meh.
    All of the humor was dependent on what the letter-writer actually wrote. So instead of seeing the King of Prussia being witty, we have to sit through this. What’s the point? The irony drained all the humor out.

    Like a shriveled orange, sad.

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