Letters, we get more letters

From: Blue Angel <XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX>
Subject: Things I hate website
To: creepykid1@yahoo.com; Editors@thingsIhate.org

Dear Mr. Foster:
   
It has come to my attention that someone is impersonating me on your webpage, “Things I hate, Alpha Delta Pi” .  I am the “BlueAngel” mentioned on your page, and the real BlueAngel in Greek Chat.
  
I never posted either one of those posts, and am extremely disturbed by them.  It’s someone’s cruel attempt to discredit my character to make it appear as if I am a dishonest an untrustworthy person who exposes other GLO’s rituals.   As an officer of my sorority’s alumnae group, I take this very attack very seriously.
  
This is libel and defammation of character.. and it’s illegal.
  
There have been a number of legal precedents regarding internet defammation of character.  It will be easy to prove by a simple subpoena regarding the IP address of the poster impersonating me.
  
I kindly ask that you remove both posts in your “Things I hate” website immediately along with any mention of the BlueAngel name, or I will be forced to take legal action against you and the owner of the site. 
  
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
  
For your reference, the posts are as follows:
  
[Ed.: Snip: Bunch of comments from retarded college kids.]

———————————
Looking for a deal? Find great prices on flights and hotels with Yahoo! FareChase.


From: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>
To: “Blue Angel” <XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX>
Subject: Re: Things I hate website

Dear “Blue Angel”,

We’re the operators of the website.  We’re the ones you should be talking to if you want the comments removed.  Mr. Foster has nothing to do with them.

We apologize deeply; we didn’t realize that you had exclusive use over the name “Blue Angel” on the internet.  (You must, right?  Neither of the two posts you cited actually mention anyone by name.)  And believe you me, we are chilled right down to the very marrow of our bones to think that one day the name “Blue Angel” won’t mean what it once did after being subjected to such libel and “defammation” of character, and breathe a collective sigh of relief to know that the law now covers ones internet nickname being tarnished.

We recommend you go after this comment-posting scumbag with all your legal guns blazin’.  Since carrying out the subpoena is such a “simple” affair, we’ll just wait to receive the proper paperwork, so we can be sure we’re going through the correct channels here.

Believe you me, Blue Angel, we are fully on your side here, and not the side of this comment-posting douchebag.  Why, just take a look at section 230 of the Communications Decency Act (http://www.fcc.gov/Reports/tcom1996.txt), which places us firmly on the side of the good guys :

“[no] provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider,” and “[n]o cause of action may be brought and no liability may be imposed under any State or local law that is inconsistent with this section.”

In reference to that, in “Universal Communication Systems v. Lycos”, the First Circuit Court has affirmed that:

“Congress intended that, within broad limits, message board operators would not be held responsible for the postings made by others on that board. No amount of artful pleading can avoid that result.”

So let’s get the wheels of justice rollin’, Blue Angel.  And if anyone laughs at you, claims that maybe you’re talking out of your ass with your legal threats and “simple subpoenas,” or disagrees with you on the definition (and spelling) of “defammation” of character, you just send them our way, and we’ll straighten ‘em out.

You know, ordinarily when something like this happens, people email us with normal, polite requests to remove the comment, acting like decent human beings instead of making demands and half-assed legal threats — and we delete them immediately because we’re sympathetic people who wouldn’t like it if some comment-posting dirtbag was masquerading as us on the internet.  But we admire your tough-as-nails legal approach. You have really shown everyone who’s boss.  However, if you find yourself pressed for time, or not 100% sure of your legal right to the name “Blue Angel” on the internet, or would rather just have the comments deleted quickly, you could always try the “ask like a polite and decent person instead of making threats and demands” approach.

xoxo,

Sean

From: Blue Angel <XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX>
Subject: Re: Things I hate website
To: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>

———————————
Moody friends. Drama queens. Your life? Nope! – their life, your story.
Play Sims Stories at Yahoo! Games.

[Ed.  Yes.  She replied to us with a completely empty email.]

Letters, we get letters

From: “Pamela Backstrom” <XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX>
To: editors@thingsihate.org
Subject: Fictious Post Removal Request.

There is a fictious post using my name, with a link back to Greekchat.com as
the contact.

Remove it immediately, OR I will be left with little recourse than to sstart
litigation.

The post is found at this URL

http://thingsihate.org/article/559/alpha_delta_pi_tip

This is the post:

you bitches are crazy [2007-04-30 04:45:10] sageofages – pam furlong and Phi
Mu means “Eternal Friendship”

Respectfully,

Pam

Pamela K Furlong Backstrom, CPS/CAP

Delta Psi 1981, Wright State University, Dayton, OH
Central Iowa Alumnae Chapter, Des Moines, Iowa

***************************
www.myspace.com/indysage
XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX
***************************


From: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>
To: “Pamela Backstrom” <XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX>
Subject: Re: Fictious Post Removal Request.

Oh no!  Please don’t fire up the vast legal machine at your fingertips!  Please, Pamela, please have mercy on us!  Please don’t “sstart” litigation!  (Though maybe you do want to “sstart” your spell checker!)

But if you decide to show us no mercy, you know, if you want to really get us over a barrel, if you really do want to show us who’s boss, if you really want to take us down to Chinatown, do please read aloud this selection from Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act to your team of lawyers (I imagine you’ve got at least 20 of them, right?  Am I right?  Is it 20?):

“[no] provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider,” and “[n]o cause of action may be brought and no liability may be imposed under any State or local law that is inconsistent with this section.”

If they need some bathroom reading, the full text is available here:

http://www.fcc.gov/Reports/tcom1996.txt

You may also want to mention to them that in “Universal Communication Systems v. Lycos”, the First Circuit Court has affirmed that:

“Congress intended that, within broad limits, message board operators would not be held responsible for the postings made by others on that board. No amount of artful pleading can avoid that result.”

The entire masterpiece can be read here:

http://www.ca1.uscourts.gov/pdf.opinions/06-1826-01A.pdf

Man, why am I doing all this work for your lawyers?  You should hire me, Pamela!

We’ve removed the offending comment, because we’re nice people, and we wouldn’t like it if someone used our names online.  We recommend you also try the “nice people” approach next time, instead of making demands about what we do to our website, and threatening to take the legal recourse to which you are certain you must be entitled.

Your friends,

Sean & The thingsihate.org Editors

From: “Pamela Backstrom” <XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX>
To: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>
Subject: Re: Fictious Post Removal Request.

yes but identity theft is pursuable.  And this person pretended to be
me..and in pursuing them, I could tie up the instrument of his deception to
prevent further such acts.  I don’t have a team of lawyers.  I just have a
district court judge who is my son’s godfather who I asked about what I
could do.  (using a different hired gun)

I appreciate your kindness in removing the offending post, and when/if I
find out who it was that posted it — I will deal with them (I do have an
idea of who it was on greekchat).  I shall also share with others your
thoughtful cooperation in uncovering deception by identity theft.  It was
appreciated.

Pam

[Ed.: Luckily for us, she didn't "tie up the instrument of deception," kind of like how they shut down entire banks when someone steals your identity to use your credit card.  Huh, they don't?  Well, then she did succeed in scaring the hell out of us, but only because her son's godfather the district court judge apparently either doesn't know the law or doesn't feel it applies to everyone equally.]

We Get Letters

From: kyle@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com <kyle@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com>   
To: editors@thingsihate.org
Date: Jun 19, 2006 10:44 PM
Subject: Question About thingsihate.org

I noticed you link to kittenstoyroom.com on your webpage http://thingsihate.org/article/540/the_j_geils_band_and_the_missing_vulva.  I am emailing to ask you to link to our site, AdultSexToys.com, since we also offer adult toys.  You can put a free link to your site in our directory if you would like, at http://www.adultsextoys.com/cgi-bin/links/add.cgi

Thanks,
Kyle
AdultSexToys.com

From: The Editors <editors@thingsihate.org>
To: “kyle@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com” <kyle@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com>
Date: Jun 26, 2006 7:58 PM
Subject: Re: Question About thingsihate.org

Dear Kyle,

We here at thingsihate.org would be pleased to link to your website. It’s important to remember, however, that in these days of e-commerce and the web 2.0, doing business on the super information highway often requires that one be willing to, how they say, “grease the palms.”

Actually, considering your line of work, you may have taken that quite literally.  Rest assured: applying lubrication of any sort to our hands will not be necessary for this transaction. (Though there was some recent unfortunateness, lasting several hours, involving a shiny object in a jar, where I could have used your help.)

An assortment of dildos, blow-up dolls, spermicidal jellies and bondage gear of leather and/or latex would make excellent prizes for one of our frequent contests.  Just imagine it, Kyle: the latest thingsihate.org contest going full force, and proudly displayed at the top of each update: the first, second, and third place prizes — quality products from AdultSexToys.com.  The absolute cream of the online webzine writing world, masturbating at the speed of thought thanks to your shop.  You can’t buy that kind of publicity, Kyle, and I can well imagine that you are swelling (so to speak) with pride at the thought.  If you have a sampler, this would be perfect.

thingsihate.org receives over 1 million unique hits per day from well-to-do, middle-aged women, a demographic whence, unless my sex toy lore fails me, your bread is buttered (not a euphemism).

Please think it over and get back to us, Kyle.  At the very least, we are particularly interested in the Dr. Z Nipple Pleaser.  With a retail price of just thirty dollars, we feel this is fair.

Yours truly,

The thingsihate.org editors.

PS – Is putting the free link to thingsihate.org in your directory conditional upon our adding a link to AdultSexToys.com on ours?  The adult sex toy market is one we’ve been trying to penetrate (also not a euphemism) for a long time. We feel there is a lot of cross-marketing possibility there, and this is a business we would definitely like to get in bed with (not euphemism).

Fan Mail

From: Peppermint Homunculus <pepperminthomunculus@gmail.com>
To: editors@thingsihate.org
Date: Feb 6, 2006 5:52 PM
Subject: I HATE YOU FAGGOTS.

Fuck you ASSRAMMER. You think your so smart don’t you FAGGOT? Well you can just fuck off and die with the rest of the FAGGOTS in your little FAGGOT apartments and your little FAGGOT cities. We don’t need FAGGOTS like you in AMERICA. You can just go SUCK A COCK like the FAGGOT you are. You QUEERS think your better than me? Well I will RAPE you. You disrespect my flag, you disrespect my country, and you disrespect me. You jubious TRAITORS and FAGS are only allowed to say things like that because this is the greatest country on earth. If I had my way all us PATRIOTS would line all you TRAITORS up and shoot you. Because that’s what the founding fathers would have wanted.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS
DEATH TO ALL TRAITORS
 
Fuck you Faggots.

Fan Mail

From: Jessica XXXXXXX <jessicaXXXXXXX@rochester.rr.com>    
To: editors@thingsihate.org
Date: Nov 12, 2005 9:42 PM
Subject: i can think of 100 reasons why you should stop breathing.

i was googling things the other day, and i decided to google the american flag. I did this to see if i could learn more about the symbol of the great country I live in.  Upon doing  so, your ridiculous site was listed, along with others. I clicked onto it, only to realize it was maintained by a troup of idiotic, unamerican fools.  If you stopped smoking drugs for half a second, and stopped to realize what the flag symbolizes, and how many men sacrificed their lives for it, you would undoubtably see that your rants are childish.  From this second foreward, you should no longer have the right to do anything allowable in the Constitution of the United States of America.  Maybe then you would realize what the flag, and the pledge of allegiance, and the star spangled banner really mean.  Wars have been fought and won long before you three or this website ever existed, and rough men fought and died, to give you the rights you have today. The American flag stands for all that is free, and thanks to millions of americans, who defended this nation from its early beginnings to  today, we can enjoy these freedoms.

In closing, i would like to reiterate the fact that you are all idiots, and you should stop breathing.  I sign off wishing you early transmission failure, preferably on the highway during rush hour, and may hair never grow on your chests, because you shouldn’t even be men.

From: Jim <jim@thingsihate.org>
Reply-To: editors@thingsihate.org
To: Jessica XXXXXXX <jessicaXXXXXXX@rochester.rr.com>
Date: Nov 14, 2005 7:58 PM
Subject: Re: i can think of 100 reasons why you should stop breathing.

Dear reader,

Thank you for your interest in the site Things I Hate Dot Org.  We have read your feedback carefully and will look into such matters as AMERICAN FLAG into the future.  Many people these days are concerned about AMERICAN FLAG and RIDICULOUS SITE WAS.  Indeed, these are concerns that we, as Americans, should all spend more time considering.

Thank you again for your interest.  If you would like to leave additional feedback, please don’t forget to refer to the specific article that you are responding to.  May AMERICAN FLAG bless you and keep you, as long as you live to breathe red, white and blue air, and eat life-sustaining apple pie.

Ask the King of Prussia

You know who has problems these days? You do. Probably you’d like to solve these problems. Unfortunately for you, you can’t. Why?  We won’t sugar coat it: incompetence.

Who better to ask, then, than the King of Prussia? From the sultry saloons of Portland’s Chinatown to San Francisco’s foggy wharfs; from the dusty trails of Baja California to the country roads of West Virgina, the King of Prussia has been there and done that, and pulled it off with more style and class than is dreamt of in most people’s philosophies.

After dispensing his wisdom for years in the comments — and occasional submissions — the King of Prussia is ready to tackle the most difficult of questions, directly from you the readers of thingsihate.org. Think your significant other is cheating? The King has seen it before. Need help with that Form 5500 Schedule SSA for your income taxes? It’s old hat.

Send questions and requests for advice to kingofprussia@thingsihate.org, and stay tuned to see them answered, here on thingsihate.org!