The following people, and or things, can suck it

The following people, and or things, can suck it:

  • People with personalized license plates that say the owners name.
  • People who always have a better story about every topic.
  • People who are over sensitive about racism: Sometimes, its funny. Shut the hell up.
  • Commercials that focus on how stupid men are: Thats just plain lazy. Here’s how to tell if the commercial sucks:
  • Everyone gets it.
  • People who obsess about Ultimate Fighting.
  • Nobody cares about your new ankle lock, I’ll hit you  with a shovel.
  • The color beige: If you have to ask why, stop reading/breathing.
  • Movies about extreme dancing: I can’t imagine why anyone would go out of their way to watch one of these turds, let alone actually buy it. The dvd should come with a razor blade.
  • People who don’t speak english: You are in this country, learn to interact with it.
  • Closed captioning for the hearing impaired: Learn to lip-read, assholes.
  • Obese people: A little obvious.
  • “I’m not racist, but” people. : Oops, yes you are.
  • Horror movies: Of course i’m going to jump when you play really loud string music and show something fast on the screen. That’s not scary. Just surprising. Fuck the fuck off.
  • Greeters. People in stores who are paid to stand near doors and act cheerful. Fuck you, I know you aren’t happy, don’t pretend like you are. Also; I’m not shoplifting anything, so piss off.
  • One subject people: Everyone knows one of these; they know, or act like they know everything there is to know about one thing and refuse to talk about anything else.
  • Eddie Murphy: Norbit.
  • People who “don’t get” seinfeld.
  • Female whiners: Much worse than male whiners due to the pitch of voice, lack of reason, no way to solve,and rank stupidity of problem.
  • Mr T.
  • Just kidding he rules.
  • People who say “bro”. Just don’t.
  • Teens who wear bling bling. Everyone knows you are a bad ass. I wish I had a grandparent to give me plastic chain money.
  • Carlos Mencia: If you took the funny parts of his show, one season=one episode.
  • Carlos Mencia: Comedy central’s embarrassing solution to filling Chappelles show’s time slot.
  • Carlos Mencia: Unfunny racism.
  • Carlos Mencia: Proven joke thief.
  • Carlos Mencia: ect.
  • Movie quoters: Nothing worse than a poorly executed movie quote. Or a well executed one.
  • Boomhower: He talks funny, we get it. Time to kill him off in a car fire.
  • People who pee in toilet stalls: Its called a urinal Cpt. Smallcock. Its for urinating in.
  • Stoners: All they talk about is drugs, things they did when they were on drugs, how to make drugs, how to smoke drugs, how to do drugs… ect.
  • Stupid crappy infomercials: Does anyone ever buy knives at three in the morning? [Note]: Excluding Magic Bullets, because they are totally sweet, and everyone should buy one.
  • Smart cars: DUMB.
  • Fat girls with small jeans, causing a chain reaction of blubber. Some call them muffin tops, but that is a stupid term. I move someone creates a better one.
  • Crocs. I could type an entire paragraph on how ridiculous they are, but I wont. Ugly/stinky/fat-chickey.
  • Lamps. If you need more light, turn the god damn light switch on. If you don’t, turn it off. Assholes.
  • Dark clubs/bars. Very dangerous.
  • Anyone who drives a toyota yaris: Fuck you.
  • Bringing the Hate Back

    It’s been too long since we had some honest-to-God hate going on here. The comics are fine and good, and the e-mail exchanges with the litigious morons was fun, but I feel like I could get the ball rolling, perhaps trigger a mighty avalanche of vitriol the likes of which Sean hasn’t seen since 2001. So here goes:

    I hate when cops flout parking laws.

    Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t have a huge chip on my shoulder for cops. I’ve heard all the stereotypes, all the epithets, even watched a few unflattering YouTube videos. Flawed system arguments? Heard them. At the end of the day, I’m glad they’re out there scaring people who do violent or illicit things around my neighborhood. I can’t imagine it’s a very pleasant job.

    Parking tickets in New York City range from to 5, depending on the offense, and they’re meted out by the Parking Enforcement Division, which I can only assume is the police equivalent of the Untouchable caste in India.

    I don’t intentionally park illegally. But I’ve been hit with plenty of parking tickets anyway. Enough to develop the proper fear and hatred of those fuckers in their three-wheeled go karts.

    Case in point: Alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules. In the mornings the sanitation department runs the street sweeper down all the streets. That means for an hour and a half (8:30 a.m. to 10 a.m.), one side of the street has to be bare of cars so the brushes can do their business. That’s all fine and good, except that everyone on the block double-parks on the other side of the street. If you forget about street-sweeping day, you wake up to find yourself hopelessly trapped by a solid line of late-model import sedans and minivans. And no manner of horn-honking or screaming will summon anyone from their apartments to let you out. I have called the cops on these people. No one gets ticketed. Nobody cares.

    Having been made late to work several times by this, I always park on the side of the street the city demands vacated by 8:30. Of course, having lived here a year, I know that the street sweeper never shows up until 9:30. That used to make me lazy. On one particular morning, I got out of the house at 8:45, to find a fat parking ticket on my windshield, issued at 8:40 a.m.

    Solid line of double-parked cars in flagrant violation of city laws? Not a single violation. I have paid the tickets and made peace with it, but I carry that little wound of the iniquity of parking enforcement. I try to act as a shining beacon to all those total bastards out there too lazy to search for a parking space: I can park legally at all times. It’s not even that hard. Give it a try some time, assholes.

    I find it especially insulting when I see a police officer’s civilian vehicle parked illegally. Yes, emergency vehicles should be allowed special parking privileges. Yes, it makes sense to move firefighters’ personal vehicles out of the way so they don’t get scratched to hell when the hook-and-ladder truck comes back to the station. But when the only car left on the right side of the street is some cop’s Nissan Maxima with the badge placard in the front windshield, all “dangerous job” indulgences shatter like glass in my mind. No meter maid is going to give a fellow cop a ticket, and no amount of complaining or lecturing is going to change that. What’s worse, said Maxima-driving cop parks in front of the fire hydrant on our block. He doesn’t even bother to move it when everyone else has double-parked and left him with the entire length of the street.

    Another cop near my work had the audacity to park behind my car, which I had nestled close to the car in front of me so that the hydrant behind me would get its full 15-foot clearance. Said cop parked his shattered-windshield Mercury Sable touching my rear bumper. How do I know it was a cop? The midtown Manhattan placard displayed in the windshield.

    Don’t mind me, guys, I’m just blocking a hydrant, and let’s forget for a minute that I’m in Queens, about 20 miles away from the precinct where this placard would actually have any bearing. We’re all part of the same brave fraternity, a fraternity that hates firefighters, so let’s remember where our alliances lie and disregard the undeniable fact that I am obstructing a piece of equipment vital to saving lives and property. Fucking hose jockeys deserve to lose one, anyway.

    I don’t care how hard your day is. I don’t care how many kids died in your arms or how many muggers you put behind bars. The minute you decide that not driving around for another five minutes to find a legal parking space in your own neighborhood is worth risking the lives of civilians, you deserve to be suspended from duty.

    Out, Nowhere

    Fasting in some godforsaken wilderness.  Drinking impure river water.

    ***

    Pine needles and Pine-sol and little rabid squirrels.  Smells and sounds, auto-rock formations in the river bed, where they get washed up and form a makeshift dam.  The water pools and pools and spreads out, eroding a little more of the riverbank, exposing more of the root system of a white ash, killing it softly with it’s bubbling.

    ***

    I pitch my tent and make a fire.  I strip to the waist and apply some more insect repellent.  I take a leak.  I throw rocks up into the trees and each twig that snaps or branch that deflects the rocks, I can hear, perfectly.  Crisp fresh sounds, vacuum sealed.  One rock scares a large deer towards my camp.  It sails over my tent in one graceful bound and lands squarely in the fire.  Stupid beast slips on a log, falls to its side and scatters ash and red embers, braying loudly and trashing its antlers.

    The terrified animal tears off again, lopsided, heading for the river, but catches a hoof in a root tangles and breaks its neck falling into a gully.

    ***

    Venison is tasty.

    ***

    I break a promise and smoke a cigarette.  It’s tasteless out here.

    Letters, we get more letters

    From: Blue Angel <XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX>
    Subject: Things I hate website
    To: creepykid1@yahoo.com; Editors@thingsIhate.org

    Dear Mr. Foster:
       
    It has come to my attention that someone is impersonating me on your webpage, “Things I hate, Alpha Delta Pi” .  I am the “BlueAngel” mentioned on your page, and the real BlueAngel in Greek Chat.
      
    I never posted either one of those posts, and am extremely disturbed by them.  It’s someone’s cruel attempt to discredit my character to make it appear as if I am a dishonest an untrustworthy person who exposes other GLO’s rituals.   As an officer of my sorority’s alumnae group, I take this very attack very seriously.
      
    This is libel and defammation of character.. and it’s illegal.
      
    There have been a number of legal precedents regarding internet defammation of character.  It will be easy to prove by a simple subpoena regarding the IP address of the poster impersonating me.
      
    I kindly ask that you remove both posts in your “Things I hate” website immediately along with any mention of the BlueAngel name, or I will be forced to take legal action against you and the owner of the site. 
      
    Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
      
    For your reference, the posts are as follows:
      
    [Ed.: Snip: Bunch of comments from retarded college kids.]

    ———————————
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    From: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>
    To: “Blue Angel” <XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX>
    Subject: Re: Things I hate website

    Dear “Blue Angel”,

    We’re the operators of the website.  We’re the ones you should be talking to if you want the comments removed.  Mr. Foster has nothing to do with them.

    We apologize deeply; we didn’t realize that you had exclusive use over the name “Blue Angel” on the internet.  (You must, right?  Neither of the two posts you cited actually mention anyone by name.)  And believe you me, we are chilled right down to the very marrow of our bones to think that one day the name “Blue Angel” won’t mean what it once did after being subjected to such libel and “defammation” of character, and breathe a collective sigh of relief to know that the law now covers ones internet nickname being tarnished.

    We recommend you go after this comment-posting scumbag with all your legal guns blazin’.  Since carrying out the subpoena is such a “simple” affair, we’ll just wait to receive the proper paperwork, so we can be sure we’re going through the correct channels here.

    Believe you me, Blue Angel, we are fully on your side here, and not the side of this comment-posting douchebag.  Why, just take a look at section 230 of the Communications Decency Act (http://www.fcc.gov/Reports/tcom1996.txt), which places us firmly on the side of the good guys :

    “[no] provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider,” and “[n]o cause of action may be brought and no liability may be imposed under any State or local law that is inconsistent with this section.”

    In reference to that, in “Universal Communication Systems v. Lycos”, the First Circuit Court has affirmed that:

    “Congress intended that, within broad limits, message board operators would not be held responsible for the postings made by others on that board. No amount of artful pleading can avoid that result.”

    So let’s get the wheels of justice rollin’, Blue Angel.  And if anyone laughs at you, claims that maybe you’re talking out of your ass with your legal threats and “simple subpoenas,” or disagrees with you on the definition (and spelling) of “defammation” of character, you just send them our way, and we’ll straighten ‘em out.

    You know, ordinarily when something like this happens, people email us with normal, polite requests to remove the comment, acting like decent human beings instead of making demands and half-assed legal threats — and we delete them immediately because we’re sympathetic people who wouldn’t like it if some comment-posting dirtbag was masquerading as us on the internet.  But we admire your tough-as-nails legal approach. You have really shown everyone who’s boss.  However, if you find yourself pressed for time, or not 100% sure of your legal right to the name “Blue Angel” on the internet, or would rather just have the comments deleted quickly, you could always try the “ask like a polite and decent person instead of making threats and demands” approach.

    xoxo,

    Sean

    From: Blue Angel <XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX>
    Subject: Re: Things I hate website
    To: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>

    ———————————
    Moody friends. Drama queens. Your life? Nope! – their life, your story.
    Play Sims Stories at Yahoo! Games.

    [Ed.  Yes.  She replied to us with a completely empty email.]

    Letters, we get letters

    From: “Pamela Backstrom” <XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX>
    To: editors@thingsihate.org
    Subject: Fictious Post Removal Request.

    There is a fictious post using my name, with a link back to Greekchat.com as
    the contact.

    Remove it immediately, OR I will be left with little recourse than to sstart
    litigation.

    The post is found at this URL

    http://thingsihate.org/article/559/alpha_delta_pi_tip

    This is the post:

    you bitches are crazy [2007-04-30 04:45:10] sageofages – pam furlong and Phi
    Mu means “Eternal Friendship”

    Respectfully,

    Pam

    Pamela K Furlong Backstrom, CPS/CAP

    Delta Psi 1981, Wright State University, Dayton, OH
    Central Iowa Alumnae Chapter, Des Moines, Iowa

    ***************************
    www.myspace.com/indysage
    XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX
    ***************************


    From: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>
    To: “Pamela Backstrom” <XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX>
    Subject: Re: Fictious Post Removal Request.

    Oh no!  Please don’t fire up the vast legal machine at your fingertips!  Please, Pamela, please have mercy on us!  Please don’t “sstart” litigation!  (Though maybe you do want to “sstart” your spell checker!)

    But if you decide to show us no mercy, you know, if you want to really get us over a barrel, if you really do want to show us who’s boss, if you really want to take us down to Chinatown, do please read aloud this selection from Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act to your team of lawyers (I imagine you’ve got at least 20 of them, right?  Am I right?  Is it 20?):

    “[no] provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider,” and “[n]o cause of action may be brought and no liability may be imposed under any State or local law that is inconsistent with this section.”

    If they need some bathroom reading, the full text is available here:

    http://www.fcc.gov/Reports/tcom1996.txt

    You may also want to mention to them that in “Universal Communication Systems v. Lycos”, the First Circuit Court has affirmed that:

    “Congress intended that, within broad limits, message board operators would not be held responsible for the postings made by others on that board. No amount of artful pleading can avoid that result.”

    The entire masterpiece can be read here:

    http://www.ca1.uscourts.gov/pdf.opinions/06-1826-01A.pdf

    Man, why am I doing all this work for your lawyers?  You should hire me, Pamela!

    We’ve removed the offending comment, because we’re nice people, and we wouldn’t like it if someone used our names online.  We recommend you also try the “nice people” approach next time, instead of making demands about what we do to our website, and threatening to take the legal recourse to which you are certain you must be entitled.

    Your friends,

    Sean & The thingsihate.org Editors

    From: “Pamela Backstrom” <XXXXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX>
    To: Sean <sean@thingsihate.org>
    Subject: Re: Fictious Post Removal Request.

    yes but identity theft is pursuable.  And this person pretended to be
    me..and in pursuing them, I could tie up the instrument of his deception to
    prevent further such acts.  I don’t have a team of lawyers.  I just have a
    district court judge who is my son’s godfather who I asked about what I
    could do.  (using a different hired gun)

    I appreciate your kindness in removing the offending post, and when/if I
    find out who it was that posted it — I will deal with them (I do have an
    idea of who it was on greekchat).  I shall also share with others your
    thoughtful cooperation in uncovering deception by identity theft.  It was
    appreciated.

    Pam

    [Ed.: Luckily for us, she didn't "tie up the instrument of deception," kind of like how they shut down entire banks when someone steals your identity to use your credit card.  Huh, they don't?  Well, then she did succeed in scaring the hell out of us, but only because her son's godfather the district court judge apparently either doesn't know the law or doesn't feel it applies to everyone equally.]